oh im soooo gonna vent!!

A friend suggested that i start a blog. I decided it may be a good as a means to vent, to connect with others, a way to try to heal myself or just to do something other than lay around and do nothing…so here I am, its early AM, I have only had MAYBE 2 hours sleep despite taking my sleeping pills, and im opening myself up to the world by disclosing that I suffer, and I do mean SUFFER, from depression…among other things…my actual diagnosis is clinical depression with borderline personality disorder, bi-polar traits and that’s just my mental diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with depression the first week of august 2012 a week BEFORE my only sibling, my little sister, passed away very suddenly. my doctor said its likely I’ve been suffering for years but kept pushing it down and letting it manifest inside of me…I do believe he was right…I knew I wasn’t right even before my dad, my best friend, died in November 2003. but that’s when I really went under….then my car accident in 06 which left me with permanent nerve damage to my spine and legs, chronic pain and a lifetime of physical agony to add to the mental anguish I already had as well as a lifetime of pain meds and meds to ease the nerves in my legs that feel as though a million razors are shredding my legs apart. great, a life time of being on pills like my mom…. then there was of course my amazing dog diesel who was hit by a car and abandoned on the side of the highway in 2011…and I already mentioned my sister so now u know the major events that have burdened my heart and soul…at least the ones that have occurred since 2003…there is so much more…

so, this leads me to now…well kinda…let me first say that I admitted myself to the psych ward last year in October because I was going to take my life. I had a plan, it was all set out, and I would have done it if that day I hadn’t had my 2 dogs with me…I decided that even if I wanted to die, it wasn’t fair to take them with me…u see I was going to drive into the lake, I wanted to drown in something other than my own turbulent emotions and thoughts…but I couldn’t do it, not then not that day, and then I decided that I actually maybe had something to live for so I told my amazing husband the next day to take me to the hospital…he was floored, he had no idea how bad I was….as we sat talking to the crisis nurse and I told her my plans, I saw the look of shock on his face out the corner of my eye…I was pretty good at fooling those around me…I still am…

I have been sinking for weeks now and I really don’t think him nor my son can tell…I mean I think its kinda obvious but who am I to judge…I haven’t showered in days and I really don’t care. I don’t stink but I don’t look all that pretty lol. I think I might today…then again maybe not. depends on how I feel later. this is my daily thought process. hmm today I SHOULD get up and shower. I SHOULD pack some boxes as we are moving in 3 weeks. I SHOULD maybe get out my art stuff and draw a lil, that sometimes helps. I SHOULD call my mom and say hi, I know she’s lonely living so far from us (3 hours, but my other son lives in the next building so I know she’s got someone close) I COULD take the dogs for a walk, they would love that but that requires movement and im too sore today….a million excuses why I can’t do things…excuses? no not excuses…reasons…in my head they are valid reasons but everyone else sees it as excuses…cause they don’t understand depression…I didnt either …i don’t now for fucks sake but I am living in it, with it, I am it…

it’s so hard when no one understands…and when u do go out, u try to smile and be cheerful and the next day (or hour even) ur back to gloomy and quiet and they say “u aren’t depressed u were fine yesterday”…depression is that!! up down, in out, fuckin yo-yo!!

.I was in counselling, it helped…then I felt good, really good for a bit…so we stopped the counselling…now my meds don’t feel like they are working and as much as I hate a life of medication I finally, at the urging of my concerned husband, made a drs appt for next week to discuss possibly upping my dosage or changing them up.funniest part of all this is I am the one EVERYONE turns to for support and advise, i always have been…so much so that i was intending on going back to school to be a counselor!!! look at me now ha-ha

I watched my mom live with depression my whole life. I was confused by her constant mood swings, her pills, her lack of motivation. I thought in my head that if she just got out and did something that she would feel better. i always swore i would never be like her. but I’ve learned it runs in families. now im that person. that person i fought so hard to never be. the demons in my head are real.

.it’s incredibly hard living day-to-day with not only depression but chronic pain from my accident…both are enough to make even the strongest man cave…i used to be that strong person..i caved…now i have to try daily to climb back up..

so im gonna use this blog, to tell u about my life , some things that have happened to me, some of the shit I’ve put myself through, and to share with you information I’ve read that’s helps me and that i have shared with my family and friends to try to get them to understand what it is im going through so maybe, just maybe they can help me….

xoxo stay strong no matter how hard it is…vickey

p,s, click POSTS above to read more!!